Silent Struggles: The Hidden Power Plays in South Asian Muslim Families

In many cultures, family bonds and relationships carry significant weight in shaping the dynamics within families, influencing decisions, and affecting the harmony of the household.

This paper is an attempt to explore a specific aspect of family dynamics within South Asian Muslim cultures, focusing on the role of sisters and their involvement in the martial choices of their male siblings.

In a traditional South Asian Muslim family, the extended family often live together or maintain very close ties, with a strong emphasis on familial loyalty and obligations. This close-knit structure, while fostering strong family bonds, can also lead to complex dynamics, especially when it comes to the marital choices of younger members of the family and ultimately their relationship with their life partner. This is most notable with boys, as girls tend to leave home after marriage.  It is not uncommon for sisters in the family to take an active interest in the lives of their brothers and parents, which sometimes crosses the line into meddling, particularly in the context of their brother’s relationship with partners.

One of the reasons for this interference is the perceived threat to the existing household hierarchy and distribution of affection and resources. When a brother marries, his wife becomes a central figure in his life, potentially diverting attention and resources away from his natal family. Sisters, fearing a dilution of their own influence and a shift in family dynamics, may feel compelled to assert control or maintain their standing within the family by undermining the new member, the daughter-in-law.

This interference often manifests as influencing the parents' perception of the daughter-in-law to sow seeds of suspicion and distrust. By highlighting or exaggerating faults, twisting innocent and simple conversations, or manufacturing issues. This can create an atmosphere of dissonance, positioning the daughter-in-law as an outsider who is disrupting the ‘harmony of the family’. The mother, often the matriarch in these households, becomes a key figure in this dynamic. Her approval is crucial, and her disapproval can have far-reaching consequences on the son's marriage, sadly.

The motivations behind such behaviour are multifaceted. Beyond the fear of losing influence, there may also be feelings of jealousy or competition, where the sister feels overshadowed by the daughter-in-law's presence and God forbid the brother’s relationship with his wife is more harmonious or happier than the sister’s, with her own partner!

Cultural expectations also play a significant role. In some cases, there is an expectation for the daughter-in-law to seamlessly blend into the husband's family, adopting their ways and often, subsuming her own identity and needs. There is ample anecdotal evidence that some even expect the new member to simply fulfil the function of a ‘slave’; cook, clean, serve, nothing more, nothing less!

Failure to meet these expectations can be leveraged by the sisters as a basis for their intervention, often and usually disguised and couched as looking after the interests of their ‘poor, elderly’ mother who should not be making tea or cooking feasts to feed them and clean after them when they visit! ‘She has done this all her life; it is now time for her to put her feet up and rest’! One can see how easily mothers can fall into this ‘sympathy’ trap laid by their ‘caring, loving’ daughters!

Historically, and even in contemporary society, such interference has led to significant strain on relationships. Any conversation with second or at times, third generation couples, will suffice to get numerous examples and anecdotal evidence where marriages have been strained or even broken due to the relentless undermining by female relatives of the husband. These actions not only strain the marriage but can also lead to long-term discord within the family, affecting relationships between siblings, between parents and children, and between the family and the community at large.

It's important to note, however, that this phenomenon is not unique to South Asian culture or Muslim families and is not a universal aspect of these groups. It is also not exclusive to women; men can and do play similar roles in other contexts. However, the focus on sisters within this cultural and religious framework highlights specific gendered expectations and roles that contribute to this dynamic.

To conclude, the interference of female siblings in the marital relationships of their brothers within South Asian Muslim culture is a complex issue rooted in familial dynamics, cultural expectations, and personal motivations. While not universal, it is a significant aspect of family life for some, with profound implications for the harmony and stability of family relationships. Understanding these dynamics requires not only a look at individual motivations but also a broader consideration of cultural norms, gender roles, and the value placed on family unity and loyalty. As societies evolve, so too do family structures and dynamics, offering hope for more harmonious relations in the future, based on respect, understanding, and a recognition of the autonomy and dignity of every family member.

We can only live in hope, and pray that the cycle ends at some point!